Junior

Very few people know this about me but I was once married to the woman of my dreams. I met her in 1993 on a BBS I wrote with a friend called Pendragon BBS. Her name was Jen. She was 1 year older than me and so unattainable while I was a teenager. Though we were good friends.

Time past and we made memories which due to an accident with a bicycle involving a skull fracture she lost partial memory including our ‘antics’. We ended up losing touch.

Suddenly one day years and years later Jen messaged me on FaceBook messenger. We made plans to meet up at a local casino and I had better plans and blew her off. On another occasion we were suppose to meet up near where we grew up to watch a blood moon. I also blew her off for that. Then she messages me and asks if I want to do to a concert with her at the casino and I liked the band (Goo goo dolls) so I said yes and I showed up!

We caught up and flirted a bit but she was married so it was off limits (even though she was unhappy in the marriage). After a few meetings that all went out the window and we began having an affair. Things were a bit crazy for awhile and really I didn’t know where I truly fit but one day she told me she was ready to get a divorce and wanted to be with me. YAY!

So that’s what we did she got a divorce and asked for nothing since they were both independent and there were no children involved. At first we lived in their old house but I didn’t like that feeling so I wanted to move. She wanted to move to Florida from Rhode Island which is like 1,200 miles away. She was a casino manager in our home town and made plenty of money to keep her comfortable. She moved to Florida and the only job she could find was at a gas station, making minimum wage.

In Florida I had no access to my “support system” that I depend on when I’m having a bad day or symptoms of PTSD. Jen did not understand my mood swings and depressed state often times swinging each way in just an hour. There were times when I would have dreams of fire scenes and I would hurt her or one time I pushed her out of the bed and she hit the wall and got a concussion. This is getting ahead of myself though.

After she was divorced we had a son. He lives with her in Florida and is almost 7 years old. I send what money I can besides the child support payments but I send them to my son, not his mother. I get back to Florida a couple times a year to see him but its hard because I’m 1,200 miles away and I have no place to stay in Florida so I have to get hotels. It becomes very costly very quickly. I get pictures from the grand parents and I have very little contact with my ex. I arrange for visitation through her parents and she’s never there to see so….

It is tough and I do miss him but there’s many reasons for me to not be a huge part of his life and there’s just as many reasons to be its just one of those things where nothing, no arrangement is good enough. Anyway I do not plan on having any more children and I’ve sworn off relationships I just hook up sometimes with an ex.

Anyway while I was living in Florida with my wife and child I had bad PTSD symptoms which put a real strain on the relationship. We would fight and I’m often quiet when fighting with someone unless I have something to say then I’m loud. So a combination between my symptoms and our fighting brought me to a place where I needed to seek help from a professional.

I first did the obvious thing and went to my counselor in Florida someone I thought I could trust. He of course convinced me to go into a hospital and in Florida that consists of police handcuffs and strip searches. This is exactly the opposite way someone with a mental illness should be treated. So being a medical professional or a retired one anyway I lied my way out of the hospital.

After that I arranged for someone to come get me because I couldn’t be trusted to drive myself, because of flash backs and etc. So my father came from Rhode Island to Florida to pick me up and bring me to the hospital for psychiatric help. Once I was in the hospital I called Jen and let her know that I was safe and everything was ok and she said “Good, don’t come back.”

That sentence still plays in my head years later. Its funny how something simple as words stick with you and how they replay and you reminisce about the conversations. Still to this day thinking of that moment really stuns me and shocks me. After she said that I simply said ok and hung up the phone with her. After that I punched the wall once and dislocated a bone in my hand and broke another. (I should find the pictures)

She never found out about this, from that point on Ive been as cold as I could be towards her and in fact quite oppositional towards her. This will not play into the way I interact with my son now or when he’s grown. Its his decision what he wants to think about me or his mother or the both of us together.

Having typed this all out I wonder how you will all react. Please do register on the blog site and visit my discord for more chat about this or any other topic I’ve talked about.