Author: Enigma

So… Not much going on that’s why I haven’t posted in awhile. I did want to draw your attention to the links above the about me, contact me, current projects, yadda yadda. I have made these links to hopefully bring up some conversation in discord.

I’m also eventually going to pick a theme for the site. I haven’t seen one that I like overly a lot but Ill get one soon. Also, I’m going to post a YouTube playlist in music I like and I hope you all listen to it. I will continually put songs on there when I hear them that I enjoy and hopefully you will too.

I’m still trying to get the email verification to work. Its tricky but someday Ill get it working and you will all be able to register and post your comments.

Finally I would like to ask a favor. If you are reading this (besides Nico) please let me know you are. All I see is that ppl visit the site idk who they are or what but I dont want to be doing this is no one is looking or cares.

One more thing! In July I am going on a cruise with my family. Its suppose to be to one of the US party islands somewhere idk much about it. However, on July 4th (Our independence day) a bunch of cruise ships meet in the middle of the ocean and make a giant circle and there is a barge ship in the middle that lights off fire works. Its going to be hot! I will take pictures and I will take my laptop so that I can (when bored) write some posts so everything is fresh in my mind.

<E

This is spot working on cars.

This is spot being held by his daddy. (me)

This is my little guy with his favorite person in the world. (My mother)

The love of my life is 20 lbs. and has longish black hair like a chihuahua. He has brown eyes and is always looking out for a treat. His tale and his nose is that of a pug and his best quality… he has an over bite!

HIS NAME IS SPOT AND I LOVE HIM! I apologize to you guys but Medeia offered up the suggestion that some of my blog posts were a bit tough to go through because of some of the content. So she suggested that I write about something that makes me happy. MY DOG!

This isn’t my first dog or my last dog but it is my dog! He knows many “commands” though I’m not one of those owners who barks commands at his dog. If he’s out of line and needs to be corrected I might make a command more forceful but beyond that I couldn’t get mad at the little bum bum boy. HES TOO CUTE!

I hope to figure out the attachment options on these blog posts because at the moment I cant add Spot pictures to the post. You’ll just have to take my word for it that he is super cute! He wears jackets for outside this time of the year but normally he is ready to roll in the mud or leaves anytime.

I’ve had many pets through the years always 1 if not more. Cats, dogs, fish, anything I could care for. I have a heart that is too kind I think for this world. Putting it metaphorically I would rather twist my ankle than walk on an ant or a worm. I guess the next question that comes to my mind anyway to ask a person who said that is “If you value even the ant or worms life what do you think about capital punishment”?

That’s a completely different ball of wax. I believe in capital punishment which is otherwise called the death penalty. The reason I do is I believe in monsters and they could be the human standing next to you in the elevator. My niece was scared of monsters and always kept lights on so she wasn’t in the dark and I told her the only monsters she needs to fear is other human beings.

Well, this post has gone from one extreme to the next. I blame it on the pot.. So… I was thinking of making a new page. (like I don’t have enough already)This one would be a list of my favorite TV shows. I just haven’t done so yet.

Anyway that looks like enough for now. Ill post a separate post when I can attach my dogs pics to it.

So… Like everyone in America I have a mental health team that I check in with a couple times a month. I don’t know if other countries accept mental health as a everyone problem and not just a singular problem. Either way I have a doctor and a case manager and a social worker. I also know a bit about psychology and mental health in general.

What I know is CBT which stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. I’ve taken classes on this and also had used it first hand all these years to deal with some of the horrors I have seen. You see I have PTSD because of my job and that’s the main reason I got out of it. So I take pills like everyone in America :).

Today my social worker told me I had to challenge negative thinking and I instantly thought CBT. Its funny how you have skills that you forget to use when you are having a bad day etc. Even when you are having a good day being in the here and now is part of CBT and normally we are worrying about what happened yesterday or what might happen in the future, often without any proof of events.

Now I’m not saying I’m a crazy lunatic but PTSD really isn’t my fault. Often I have nightmares of not being able to save someone. The actual events change but still I am not able to save them. This for someone like me terrorizes me and makes it so I cant get back to bed. When I wake up, sometimes very very early in the morning, I cant get back to bed. No matter what I do. They tell you to remain in bed for as long as you can or are able to if you cant fall asleep then if you must get up but don’t engage your brain. That works sometimes but sometimes it just doesn’t. I believe its because of what I’ve seen and my mind is a lot more creative at making these dreams then I am at dealing with them. 😛

Anyway back to challenging negative thoughts, this can be challenging when people are historically themselves their worst enemy. Its easy to be down on yourself but not so easy to practice CBT or some other behavior/cognitive run off.

This post has been sitting for a few days now and I’m finally going to finish it by saying this. If anyone for any reason ever needs someone to talk to (I don’t care who you are) then please hit me up anyway you know how. I’m told I’m a good person to talk to when people have issues they are working through. My knowledge of psychological and other behavior modification methods can be a valuable asset to you if you need it.

Mental health is a very serious topic and I have but scratch the surface of things I would like to say on the subject. If you feel like having a conversation with me about this or anything else DM me on discord.

So I decided to do a check up post because its been awhile since I did one. (Thanks for reminding me Nico)

My carpel tunnel is really bad now and wakes me up most nights with extreme pain. I could easily go to the doctors but Im a typical guy and I put off everything I can! My doctor will send me to a specialist and get it taken care of. As much pain as I am in I wouldnt be surprised if they just went straight to surgery. That will take me out of work a little bit which is good for my hand.

Most days I’m just watching TV. At the moment I’m watching stranger things on Netflix. I found X-Files on one of the streaming services I have and I’ve also been watching that. I grew up watching X-Files so its somewhat relaxing. I’m also working my way through Forensic Files.

So we were expecting more snow today but it never came. I am glad because its hard driving around now with giant snow mounds blocking your sight around corners. Maybe I’m just getting old because I used to love snow when I was a bit younger like 30s. Now its just a hassle.

Not really much to write so I will come up with topics or you can and DM them to me on discord. Till then keep your head up and remember there’s always someone somewhere whos got it worse.

So we are suppose to have a pretty big snow storm tomorrow. They are projecting 11 inches starting in the morning. (That’s 27.94 CM) That’s quite a bit for us the most we’ve had in the past couple years. I like snow but I’m not the kind of person to go out and play in it. I enjoy how it makes everything else quiet and how it looks until it gets chewed up from road gunk.

I’m back to work after being sick. Today was my first full shift back and it went well I think. Ill hear about it in the morning… or I wont. Either way it was the best I could have done I mean I’m one person.

Everything is kind of blah I’m ready for the end of June. I’m going on a cruise with some family members end of June beginning of July. Its really 2 cruises one to a few islands then the other cruise is to a party island then out into the ocean for the 4th of July for fireworks on the ocean. Which sound exciting but scary at the same time. I hope nothing bad happens with a rogue fire work.

Anyway I just wanted to update you guys about how things are going. Not much to talk about so gonna say have a good week and hopefully will talk to you guys soon.

-E

So there has been a development in something that I have been trying to get done since December 2020. I cant say what it is right now but I am not the only one whos been pulling for this ‘development’. I want to blab and tell you all but I will wait for this dream to come true first.

I’m still fairly sick but I cant tell if its from the infection or the flu now. I would say another 2 days just laying in bed and Ill be ok. The first day. HOLY SHIT. I thought I was dying. I had to take a 90 minute drive with my dad one way and it was the most agonizing 90 mins I have ever experiences. I was just so sick that I didn’t have energy for anything. All I wanted to do was curl into a ball and moan. It wasn’t nauseous it was just that I was drained of energy and even coughing I have no energy for.

I didn’t notice when I was on the trip with my father that I didn’t drink anything and with a fever that’s just stupid. When I got home I pissed brown (I shit you not). That’s how dehydrated I was. I skipped the water and went directly to an IV of saline.

I return to work on Saturday I have to say my boss has been really accommodating during this recent sickness. I work hard for them so I know that they know I’m not faking it or otherwise don’t want to work. I mean I could work… But then I would really be drained energy wise.

Everything online is well. Sailor is doing well after grand opening. I’ve been getting back to some of my IRC roots and touching base with the people I know on there.

Other than that everything else is normal.

-E

I stepped on a small nail last week and thought nothing of it (except every time I walked..)

I never finished the above because that day I was in the hospital again with staph. This comes with a nasty fever and chills and sweats. Its pretty fucked up that the first course of anti biotics didn’t do the trick. I mean they ARE I.V. anti biotics and pills.

Anyway. Ill I have been doing is watching TV and thinking about things to blog. I also got to meet and re-meet some friends from around the hospital where I was at. My carpal tunnel is feeling ok now but that’s because I’ve been away from the pc/work for so long.

Speaking of work I go back Saturday but I don’t know if I’m ready lol. I haven’t had to hustle or make anyone’s food for days! People have been making my food and cleaning my sheets!

Anyway as for things to blog about I’m at a loss. Oh wait nevermind I also have a touch of the flu but day 4 of it so its ez pz now. I am still on anti biotics orally for the next 12 days I think.

Anyway hit me up on my discord channel to chat about this or anything else.

Ill try and make my posts more frequent with more ideas so message me in discord… Im enigma.usa

This will be a short story about one of the risky predictaments I got myself into while I was a fire fighter.

Now a thing you learn as a fire fighter is when you are doing any kind of search in a house you keep the wall on your right and you circle the room with the handle of your ax out to feel for anything thats soft. Which may or may not be a body. So me and my partner enter a room and clear it and then back in the hallway we cleared another room.

On the third room we cleared when we were about to exit back into the hallway and make our way out of the house the entire thing flashed over. Flashover is an instance of a fire spreading very rapidly across a gap because of intense heat. Thats what I could find online. However those gaps between items which are on fire becomes fire itself. The air explodes in a whoooomph and everything is on fire and ignites at the same time. Including the air…

So we see this because its brighter than the smoke is dark and instantly I know what it was so I closed the door as quick as I could. This wouldn’t give us long because it was a wooden door not even solid. Now we are in a bedroom or at least that’s what I thought it was and we have no way out. My partner busts out the only window in the room and its a small window neither of us are fitting through it.

I noticed we were in a room that had a wall to the exterior of the structure. So my bright idea is to start hacking at that wall with my ax, knowing full well we have some thick wood to get through between the wall and the outside.

Still trapped we now had other fire fighters hacking at the other side of the wall on the outside. Finally what we had to do to escape was take our tanks off (which still had o2 in them) and pass them through the wall to our team outside and then we got through the wall and out to the outside.

That was one of the closer times I come to death I believe in my career. The thing about still having o2 in our tanks was we practices skip breathing and also didn’t use our tanks the entire time.

If you liked this story please let me know on discord.

-E

Again this topic comes from Nicolete. If you have a topic you think I should include in my blog please get at me using one of the methods in the contact me page.

Nico suggested I should talk about fears, specifically fears of failure, social rejection, bullying, and poverty. Keep in mind Im 45 years old so my point of view may differ from yours.

Fear in general is not logical because you suffer twice. Thinking about the the thing you fear then actually living it. I have a well… its not a motto but its a technique. (I suppose this could come from my previous job too) What I do is I take a deep breath and say reassuring things to myself like I belong here, or these people want to hear what I have to say. Then I come out looking like I’m not social awkward or otherwise in an uncomfortable state. Always keep in mind as much as you think about stuff sometimes (even petty stuff) the man or woman next to you is doing just as much thinking. (Even the X rated stuff) Now take into account the millions on this planet all of those people thinking. Mind blowing huh? So keep in mind your insecurities could also be someone’s insecurity too or they could be completely different but everyone feels them.

As much as I would like to say I was ever bullied I never way. Nor did I bully as far as I remember. Bullying is for the weak. Its like the kid with the biggest mouth in the school yard is the one with the glass jaw or goes down easily. With bullies there really is nothing to do but do as every old man has said. Stand up for yourself and they will back off. If this means just verbally or physically if you stand up for yourself and of course back it up they will back off.

Living in America I have little fear of poverty. Well that’s kind of a lie. I live with my aging mother and father in a separate apartment which is good for both of us because I can help them and I can also save on rent. Which in America is crazy. My wages would barely keep me alive if I was in my own place. Also, considering both my parents are in their 70s I don’t mind spending the extra time with them.

Fear of rejection can hold you back quite substantially. Imagine you were too scared to go to your first day of school? Where would you be? Without an education unless you are home schooled. This is easier for me to say because rejection is something you will get in one form or another many times in your life. Really the things you got to decide is if you take the rejection to heart and dwell on it or do you take it and brush it off your shoulder like the pimp you are?

Social rejection and other paranoias are always in a persons head and if they slowly address the issue with a counselor, if needed, you can get through it.

I have my own demons which I will discuss someday but I have little to no fears that I have faces thus far in life.

-E

p.s. I have found out that with WordPress which is what Im running it is impossible to turn off email verification. So the next thing is to make email work so we can have comments on the website!